cymbalcrash888

every night i say im not in love with you but every day i say i do. you have messed with my head so many times, you force me to love you

there was a city. bar on every street corner. the hospital.... we dont talk about the hospital. this little bay town was my home, my shelter, my love, but most of all had the love of my life.so the story goes, there is a man, a woman,a dream. sometimes it really is possible to love someone to much but she must have loved me. she was every thing that a man could ever dream of. she really was perfection in every form, but she was more than that. she was the goddess of my dreams. this time last year she started talking to me. i was so worried when she came into the practice room with me. as a nervious tweek i made a joke to brake the tention....."you know... dont have to stand... you can sit on my lap"... what is wrong with me....i just met this girl and am already making bad jokes.... thank god.... she laughed.

well it was cool cuz we saw each other every day in social studys. twas pretty cool. she started to like me. how could i be this lucky at this point i dont know. she started to listen to iron maiden with me, that was really cool. girls that like music is my utmost turn on.  the first time she came over... she was so amazing there laying next to me, just talking about life

my room mate just walked by with a zebracake....that is the worst timing ever... or is it the best. remember the birthday party? we got a ton of cakes and soda and all watched pick of destiny. we all had so much fun but your rents cut the night short.

 going to your ocyo show. that was really cool watching you play. and that crazy show offy violin player. you useto tell me that you really hated ocyo but i know you loved it just like how much you love being first chair. you love having all the control. you know that you are right 99% if the time. you could could smoother me with a pillow like in the dream and i would say sorry i was breathing your air, i guess i deserve this. i held my breath on every word.all the crap going on in your life, waiting for a day to get you away and try to make you happy. walking to school to bring you food just for a smile and on lucky days a kiss. the first time we kiss... back when joel was talking to me, you were up right next to me and we were talking about how pretty you looked that day and and what time it was and how you had to be home soon or your rents would be mad.

i remember going to the water park with you. we had so much fun... till we fliped over each other and you got hurt. you poor girl, every thing always gets in the way of your fun.we almost did go but then the rainstorm cleared up. what sucks worse is that it was the same ankle from when you got in that car accedent. i was so scare when you called me all shooken up and almost in tears. i started getting dressed to go see you and make sure every thing was ok. ole' red died that day. and your icecream magicly dissapeared. at least you were safe. i was worried every time you got into a car. i love you so much.

do you remember playing catch in the side yard, jumping in the pool.... pushing me into the pool haha.
you showing me up in sports cuz your amazing. all the bon fires in the woods. how about the days we walked back in the woods and took pictures. you really are the most gorgeous girl i have ever met.

you complete me in every way and after all this time... you are still have my heart to yourself. it will always be yours. no one else comes close to how much you mean to me. you matter more than any thing in the world. i am a fuck up, i have failed you so many times. we both have made mistakes. everyday isnt a good day knowing that i am so far away from you.i wanted to hold you and make you realize  how ill always be there for you. we both are so busy with school and you have work and all the trouble at home. im sorry that at times it seemed like i  was belittle your workload. it was never my intention. "when the lights go down in the city" really badly how we would sing this song. it was kinda our song... it was our song. i miss my city by the bay and i miss the lights. i miss you more than life it self. i dont want to live my life with out you rachel. you are every thing to me, you are worth more than any thing in life could ever compair to. ive  hope i havent lost you forever.


rachel hannah gower ,
i love you


"When the lights go down in the City
And the sun shines on the bay
I want to be there in my City
Ooh, ooh

So you think you're lonely
Well my friend I'm lonely too
I want to get back to my City by the bay
Ooh, ooh

It's sad, oh there's been mornings out on the road without you,
Without your charms,
Ooh, my, my, my"








im sorry for every thing.
these past months with you were the best i will ever have in my life. i hope there will be more with you.

 this really sucks to say this but im going to have to wake you up.  i love you rachel. you know exactly whats going to happen if you keep hanging out with brandon. hes going to start liking you and it sucks cuz you know thats bs. you would avoid it all if you wanted to. you know i care about you and i would do any thing for you. hes just gonna run off and be stupid again and honnestly im not going to put up with it. you need to make a choice. him in your life whos there for you when its convenient or the person that is always there for you. sorry it has to be that way but im not gonna play this game.  and this all has me thinking about how you havent been saying i love you to me. and if hes whats getting between us now you need to choose whats going to make you happiest. you cant have it both ways anymore.




oj<3

 i think things are going to be good from now on. i love you<3

 i have decided from this day forward i will not be sad again. life is to short. dont think me insensitive when something bad happens and i dont get upset. im done with this sadness i feel. im done making the onlyperson i care about sad. i love her way to much.





rhg<3

  new roads waiting, you touched my life
Soft and warm on a summers night
Youre the only one, the only one I love
The lovely one, Im thinking of

 had a really nice day.



im gonna miss you so much all this week and next though but who knows maybe we will both get lucky and ill stop in and surprise you.




ily=]

 prove it. show me that things will be differnt. you know i love you. you know i want you. you are good enough










<3

i havent been depressed really in a week. just really worried and idk. nothing feels right any more. i love you and i miss you more than anything. ik that you still love me to thats the only thing that gives me hope in this world.

 i cant fucking do this. why cant you just let me help you work through the stress and us still stay together. i understand that you are freaking out with school and stuff i know that this is what you feel you have to do and you know im going to suport you but rachel....a fucking label stresses you out? cuz im not going to treat you any different. i fucking cant do i. i love you way to much cant you see that? i cant live with out you. i dont want to live with out you rachel hannah gower. i need you='[

 i fucking hate this feeling
it always shows up at the worst time and its the msot unwelcome guest 
i cant resist it so i just have to close my mouth=[






i love you rachel, im sorry if i quiz you and be anoying. you know i dont mean it 

i miss her so much and what sucks the most is that now im back in town for the weekend and we can only hang out for 2 hours=/




i love you rachel hannah gower

let me just get this out there i love rachel hannah gower.... not you. i started talking to you again becasue i had hope that we could be friends again but you decided to start some drama and say that we had "romantic feelings" and thats just bullshit. im pissed at you for taking my friendship like that. i dont care if you like me of feel that way but dont think i do because im sorry but i dont.so get over it




rhg<33333333333

ik it shouldnt bother me but it does and i dont know how to tell you with out you exploading on me saying that im telling you that you cant hang with a friend. i hate that guy so much.  ik  i can trust you. i love you. but that feeling i have for him wont go away. and after all the times hes helped you and after all the times that hes as thrown you out. put you last in his mind. made you feel like shit, fucked you over, you still want to be his friend. you still want to see him in college and talk to him all the time. i dont know what to say. i hate him but he seems to have more importance because you told me you would block him out of your life becasue you love me more than that. and then the next day you unblocked him and added him back to myspace. what you do expect me to think. im sorry that im exploading about this but its been on my mind for weeks. i just wish you could realize that hes jsut going to want to be your gf in a week and then it will just be my fault when i act mad about it cuz i saw it comming again.

i feel terrible because i trust you completely rachel so its not that. im just sick of seeing this happen over and over again . i wish you could see that and understand.   





ily rhg<3

 last night i found my self waking up and being exhausted and paseing around the house. it was really weird. it was almsot like sleepwalking in the fact that i didnt have a thought in my head at all. i laid back down right around when i knew rachel was getting up to go to work and i kinda wanted to talk to her but ik she would be tired and in a rush to get ready for work. idk im pretty stressed about college and lots of everything so maybe thats it. o well. i  kinda dont feel so good. i hope rachel comes over cuz she always can make me feel better jsut from being around

 so i had a great day with rachel. every time i hang with her its usualy alot of fun and we went to farmers. it was way to hot though. greg called me and asked me if i wanted to jam cuz he didnt have work randomly like always. and well i guess rachel must have wanted to talk to me really bad cuz she didnt seem to like the idea of him coming over, but i understand cuz shes gotta work and ik she has to miss me like i always miss her so its ok. basicly i told greg that i wasnt in the mood anymore so i hope she relized that she is so much more important to me than any one else or any thing else. i hope she isnt mad at me. i want her to be in a good mood seeing shes gonna be busy all the time with work and i want to suport her and show her that im there for her always when ever she needs me. im going to be an hour away in a month and its gonna kill me but ik that our love is strong and that as long as we love each other and get to see each other once or twice a week we should be fine. i love her so fucking much and she knows it.


rhg<3

 its days like yesterday that remind me how lucky i am to have a girl like her.
we had such a good time at water safari  and she looked so cute sitting on the bench there shivering.it was COLD, but he water was warm so we stayed warm on the rides=]

i dont know waht i would do with out her though i love her so fucking much. shes every thing i could ever dream of and so much more. that girl makes me so happy just by being there. when shes around i feel complete  and no one could possible take that away from me. she makes me feel loved  with out showing any affection, and when she does its the most beautiful thing. and god she is beautiful.... i could stair into her eyes forever and run my hand along her cheek abd through her hair forever. her beauty has no earthly compairison to me. no one can compaire to her at all. im madly inlove with her absolutly head over heals and i fuckin love it. i love you rachel hannah gower. some day  we will have a clock in our kitchen that runs backwards, promise<3



i just remembered the guy on the scrambler that keeped screaming like he was a retard. we both laughed so hard we didnt even know what to do with ourselves hahahahahaha. god ily=]



when the lights...<3

 every thing i do is always wrong 
so what is right then?





rhg<3

 these past few days have been pretty good.
college soon though...*sigh*
but o well.
trying to enjoy the last month







ily rhg<3

olivejuice






 no one said hope could be this beautiful<3